7 Lessons Learned In 7 Years Of Marriage
Last Sunday was Lisa and I’s 7-year wedding anniversary. If you missed it, I surprised her with a special serenade on stage (watch the video here). In some ways, it feels like we have been married forever. At the same time, I feel we are just starting to really understand each other.
In honor of our anniversary, I would like to share 7 lessons I have learned in 7 years of marriage.
1. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is hard work! Most Hollywood love stories that have ever been written focus the conflict on getting a couple together. Once they are together, they live “happily ever after.” Right? Thing is, anyone who has been married more than five minutes knows that falling in love is easy; staying in love is hard work. That “hard work” often involves me recognizing my own selfishness and acting differently as a result.
2. Healthy communication requires much more than just “talking.” I have “communication” in my top 5 strengths according to a personality test. Naturally, I assumed that would make me an incredible communicator in marriage. It did not. What I learned is that I am very good at articulating my own positions. While it is helpful to be able to speak for myself, that is only a small part of healthy couple interaction. Healthy communication is about 50% listening, 20% recapitulating back what she said to make sure I understood, 20% finding an empathetic statement that validates her feeling, and maybe 10% stating my thoughts on an issue.
3. There will be time for my perspective. There will be time for my perspective. There will be time for my perspective. When an issue is emotionally-loaded for me, I feel the need to share. Sometimes as a husband when my wife is sharing I have this little voice inside lying to me telling me that if I just listen to her, there won’t be time for me. When that voice starts speaking, I have to remind it that there will be time for my perspective (often repetitively). My wife always makes space for my voice. One simple way I can love her is to let her fully finish her train of thought without rushing to get to “my part.”
4. Misunderstanding can be okay. For some reason that probably stems from childhood, I have a deep need for understanding and resolution. When I got saved, I inevitably came across Ephesians 4:26 that says “do not let the sun go down on your anger.” I coupled those two things together to mean that every misunderstanding and form of tension needed to be cleared up before going to sleep. While that is a great goal to shoot for, it is not always possible! The first part of that verse also says “Be angry and do not sin.” In that breath, Paul seems to say anger is okay as long as we don’t let it turn into sin. Practically, does this mean a couple needs to resolve every conceivable aspect of an issue between 10-11pm when they are tired and lacking emotional energy? I don’t think so. For me, I have morphed to understand that this means I need to do my part to communicate my commitment and love for my wife even when there is lingering misunderstanding. For us as a couple, we usually process disagreements in a healthier way the second day. In short, I have learned that misunderstanding is okay. I have never met a couple who does not have misunderstanding in their relationship.
5. I want her to give me grace when I am struggling, but it’s tough for me to give it to her when she is having a hard time. Overall, I consider myself a very gracious person. I tend to be able to let things go quickly and forgive pretty fast (for the most part). When I got married, I realized something about myself: I’m good at giving grace in the work/friend/church/acquaintance environments, but I am shorter and sharper at home. This prompted me to realize that there was a deeper layer of grace God wanted me to discover. I have often said in sermons that we can be gracious with everyone around us, but when we walk through the front door at home a different “hat” comes on (often unknowingly). As a result, when I am having a hard time, I expect her to give me grace naturally. When she doesn’t, I get mad and frustrated. Then when she is having a difficult time, I think I’m being so gracious when in reality I can be short. Grace is something that is vital to a relationship. Giving it to one another in a way that is actually received is a skill that requires the deepest of soul-searching.
6. Jesus doesn’t expect perfection, he expects progress. I think this is true of every aspect of our lives – including and especially in marriage. Every couple that gets married imagines a picture-perfect love. Certainly, Lisa and I have a great relationship, but like every couple we have areas that we are working on that are far from perfect. It is idealistic and damaging to a marriage to expect perfection. Jesus knows we aren’t perfect; and certainly he doesn’t expect our marriages to be. Like everything though, if we are staying in the same rut without taking tangible steps to improve it, that’s when we get in trouble. If you’re struggling in your marriage, take perfection off the table. Instead, focus on making progress in small ways. Once you get some “wins” under your belt, you can start chipping away at larger issues.
7. Marriage really is like wine – it gets better/sweeter with time. To quality, I don’t drink alcohol! However, I know from growing up in France that the oldest wines are the most valuable because the age makes the flavor better with time. I wholeheartedly believe the same thing is true with marriage. Disillusionment can set in sometimes and folks can begin to believe there is a sweeter flavor elsewhere. This is usually because a couple is emotionally stuck on an issue and unwilling to work at their differences. When a couple perseveres through challenges, they realize that their love found a deeper layer than they ever knew was possible. Lisa and I are more in love today than we have ever been. I am eternally grateful to the Lord for giving me a storybook love. That doesn’t mean it’s perfect, it just means in Christ, we have everything we need to succeed. Married friends, love the one God gave you and give 100% of yourself to them expecting nothing in return. You will be the beneficiary!
