My best friend, Shandi, singing, skating rinks, youth group all-nighters…of course I would go! But I had no idea what it truly meant to follow the Lord. So when Shandi moved away I was without friends and without influence to continue attending church.

At 15 years old, I was just beginning to find God’s love when my first boyfriend, an atheist, came into my life and caused me to question everything I had learned about the Lord. I was quickly convinced that there was nothing beyond myself. I lived selfishly, believing I lived as a body, I was to carry all burdens on my earthly shoulders, and I died as a body. For almost 10 years I lived this way, running from the brokenness in my home, working relentlessly to be sure I would never end up like the shattered alcoholic mother and father I had been born to. I was driven by dreams of money and great “success“, convinced that these were happiness. The determination for these dreams was fueled by all of the pain, depression and anxiety I carried and always having something to run from. Countless tears, hours of therapy, cuts across my arms, and medications, nothing was easing the pain. I had accomplished so much for my career by the time that I was 21, it was everything I wanted, so why was I so unhappy?

Things got better for me after that relationship with my first boyfriend finally ended after 6 years. I was off the medications, I was smiling again, loving my work and my new life on my own. But now I had to deal with the longing I felt for companionship. I had no friends and I had never felt like I could relate to anyone. I began looking for comfort and companionship in all the wrong places. Until one night in September 2009 the wrong place couldn’t have been more right. I met my soul mate Randy and for the first time, experienced unconditional love. This kind of love was foreign to me and when things got serious the anxiety began to creep back into my life. I was questioning everything again and was unable to trust. Even though I had found an incredible love, there was still a hole in my heart.

In the midst of my own trials, on January of 2011 I got a call from my sister that my Dad had fallen and hit his head. He was in a coma. He had struggled for many years with severe alcohol and drug addiction, and we knew he was in bad shape, but the news still hit hard. Some months before all of this my little sister who was living with my drug addicted Dad and Step Mom was taken to Pennsylvania by my older step sister and given the opportunity to begin a new childhood and a relationship with the Lord.

Aside from my ongoing struggles with my family, life was going good. I had a wonderful relationship, the career I had worked so hard to get, hobbies and goals, but the anxiety was escalating, it was affecting all of these important things in my life. I was determined to be perfect in every area in my life and not let the pain show through. My shoulders were so heavy and my body was weak. I couldn’t trust, I felt lost and I became convinced I was meant to live life alone. I knew what it was that I wanted for my life, but I had no idea how feel the love and happiness that should have been spilling from my soul. I gave notice at my job because I couldn’t handle the additional stress and demands that it put on me and stay balanced mentally. Being an atheist, the last thing I imagined doing was turning to God.

One day after work I was so tormented by my own mind that I fell to my knees and cried out in desperation for God. I had heard so many stories about Him lifting people up and them feeling His presence but I felt nothing. I was reassured in my disbeliefs when God didn’t help…or so I thought. Looking back, I can see how slowly, he began to put it on my heart to reach out to him. Although I didn’t feel like He was there, for some reason I continued to cry out to him. Randy has been a devout Christian for much of his life, but he never once pushed his beliefs on me. So I came to him one night and asked him why God wouldn’t help me. He explained simply and with such wisdom and without judgment, “It doesn’t really work like that. You have to be adopted by God. If a strange child came to our door asking for help, we would be apprehensive. If our own child came to us for help, we wouldn’t hesitate.” While he further explained and prepared us to watch The Gospel of John together I unknowingly grabbed a snack of bread and grapes and he just laughed and explained the sacrament. Our spirits bonded that night and it was the beginning of my walk with Jesus.

We began looking for churches and tried several Calvary Chapels before we found City Church. We had been to shows at Chain Reaction and felt comfortable with the venue and we were so excited to see people our own age, all so welcoming to anyone with Jesus in their heart. We were overjoyed to hear Pastor Kyle speak with a sense of humor, relatable stories, and parallels to life. We knew we had found the right place and started to get plugged in immediately. Randy and I, who live together, have even made the difficult decision to live apart until we are married and completely devote our relationship to the Lord.

On October 31, 2011, the day after my 24th birthday and only days after I felt an unbreakable bond with Jesus, my Dad passed away after almost a year in the hospital. Before the Lord took my earthly father home he made sure that his daughters were safe in the arms of the heavenly Father. What a beautiful gift I have received from God. I will cherish that forever and never will I turn from His love again.

Looking back I can see that though I turned away from the Lord, he never turned from me. He has carried me through life and blessed me all along the way but I was in pain because I was without His love in my heart. And so, in October 2011 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I am still a very new Christian but after experiencing the love that He has already shown me I am prepared to dedicate my entirety to the Glory of the Lord. He is helping me fight the pain and heal my heart and I am prepared to walk with Him forevermore.